It’s easy for me to get caught up in the story of Barnabas, a significant player in the New Testament, and a man whose style I have tried to emulate.  Barnabas was well loved.  People hovered around him.  His name even means “Son of Encouragment.”  He was not above conflict, though.  No one is.

Still, Barnabas was the antithesis of the young executive wannabes appearing on Donald Trump’s reality show “The Apprentice.”  Trump looks at the losers in each episode and says, “You’re fired.” 

If Barnabas hosted a reality show, he would embrace some discouraged soul and say, “You know, buddy.  You have some great qualities.  I noticed that act of kindness you showed to that elderly woman in the store.  And I saw you smile when that young kid cut you off in traffic.  Your job isn’t going very well and things are tough at home, but I just want you to know that I believe in you.  Don’t give up.”

Can you imagine a reality show where people who love to give hope to the discouraged were filmed showing acts of kindness?  Kindness is in such short supply, millions would watch, hoping to be encouraged by osmosis.

As much as I like Barnabas, he wasn’t perfect.  On at least one occasion, he found himself in a serious conflict.  This mild-manner man went head-to-head in a sharp contention with the Apostle Paul, the man who became the principal leader in the early church. 

The conflict arose over a member of their traveling church-planting team named John Mark.  John Mark just happened to be the cousin of Barnabas.  Unfortunately, he deserted Paul and Barnabas during their first trip and returned home. 

When Paul began his second missionary enterprise, Barnabas wanted to give John Mark a second chance.  But Paul, the clear leader, said absolutely not.  Suddenly, two distinct ways of conflict resolution are colliding and interacting.  Paul was goal-oriented, competitive, able to argue his point and stand firm.  He was willing to sacrifice a relationship.  If conflict was a piece of pie, Paul wanted the biggest piece.

For Barnabas, conflict resolution could be spoken in one word:  Accommodation.  He would rather give up his goals than risk the relationship.  Have all the pie you want, including mine, Barnabas might have said.

The disagreement between Paul and Barnabas was so sharp, they separated and went different ways.  Paul chose another traveling companion named Silas, while Barnabas took his cousin and went another direction.  God’s work continued, even as these Christian brothers parted ways.

Leaders like Paul, and encouragers like Barnabas, will encounter conflict.  Approaches to conflict resolution are shaped by upbringing, faith, culture, past experiences and personalities. 

Sometimes competition works when the goal is critically important and well worth the fight.  Too often, though, people with this style dominate others, even when the goal isn’t important.

Compromise can work when a decision has to be made in a hurry and the parties involved feel good about taking less than they wanted. Both parties willingly take a smaller piece of the pie.  Not every conflict can be solved this way because those involved will miss chances for a resolution that creatively gets both parties what they want.

If both parties in conflict value collaboration and are willing to take the time to keep asking good questions, strong bonds can be formed.  If it’s genuine and not manipulative, both parties can figure out ways to make the pie bigger so both are satisfied.  The relationship becomes worth the investment of time.

Accommodation, Barnabas’ style, works when the other individual has the power (like a boss) and those with lesser roles recognize the need to build the relationship.  It works when there’s been a wrongdoing, as a conciliatory gesture.  But it can be very destructive when it stems from a person’s fear of any kind of difficult conversation.  It’s then ignoring conflicts rather than resolving them.

Those who find a person is dangerous or impossible to work with may turn to avoidance.  Pie?  They don’t even want to get near it or you when you are eating.  Avoidance is a self-preservation tactic that helps keep you safe, but it can encourage the bullies, lead to serious problems in churches or the workplace and to a loss of good people.

Paul and Barnabas remained friends, but went their separate directions.  I’m convinced that collaboration is the most healthy and effective of the styles and can be surprisingly rewarding to those who work at it.