For a while, a friend of mine went to pastor the church where I'd grown
up.  He was in his mid-twenties, and the leaders were in their mid-fifties.
 My friend brought in new ideas, new songs and a rather spontaneous
speaking style.  Suddenly everyone had an agenda.  Assumptions of every
sort were made. 
        Actually, my buddy's ideas were good ones.  They just scared the leaders,
and some leaders retrenched.  They criticized my friend unfairly.  More
than 20 years in the ministry have shown me that every leader gets
criticized, and often that criticism is unmerited.  People make assumptions
that are not true, and accusations fly.  Thick skin is required if you plan
to work in the ministry.
        One of the leaders in the church at that time was my own father.  He's a
peacemaker, and I knew my friend liked him.  It has been 15 years since my
friend left the church.  Not long ago we talked.  He laughed about youthful
mistakes, and he said, "You know, I always appreciated your dad.  He was
full of encouragement.  I was a young kid, but he never criticized me, and
he never spoke behind my back."
        This country is riddled with angry, critical people who make every effort
to point out what is wrong but who seem incapable of offering one word to
make things better.  It's unusual to meet a person who tempers an
indictment with a commensurate dose of viable options.
        A helpful 32-page booklet crossed my desk this week.  Authors John
Alexander and Steve Hayner have written "Criticism: Giving and taking it,"
(InterVarsity Press, 2000).  They say before you start leveling your
criticisms, stop and pray.  
        I probably criticize with the best of them.  Stopping to pray is not
something that normally crosses my mind beforehand.  But the authors say it
ought to.  Praying first allows you to ask, "Why am I expressing this
criticism?  Has my ego been hurt so that I want to embarrass somebody else?
 Or is my concern truly to help this person?"
        If you feel like you must criticize, the writers say to do it privately,
if at all possible.  Love is kind, and talking to people privately is
better than criticizing them publicly.  Public confrontation to express
negative criticism in a loveless manner is as bad as gossip.  Both forms of
criticism can be very painful.
        A few days back I received an email critical of someone else.  It somehow
got forwarded to me.  Bad move, I thought.  But I once received an email I
thought was stupid.  I made fun of, thinking I was sending it to my wife
only.  Instead, I sent it to the sender and only copied it to my wife.  
        The authors of the booklet on handling criticism say talking face to face
is infinitely better than using email.  It's even better than writing
letters.  I knew a church that attempted to work through some disagreement
by letting members exchange long letters of, "Well, here's how you offended
me, and here's what I meant."
        A friend showed wisdom when she said, "The less you write the less you'll
have to write."
        The authors say if you're going to criticize someone, go face to face, be
specific and honest, and give the other person the benefit of the doubt.
"I heard a report of something you said, but it doesn't sound like you.
Did you really say this? Is so, help me understand why."
        Once at a meeting I was criticized by an angry person who spoke in vague
generalities.  I would have respected the person if objective evidence
rather than subjective opinions supported the criticisms.
        Anyone can point out weaknesses.  It takes creativity to propose
solutions.  How about suggesting ways to solve the problem, the authors
ask?  Give some active assistance.  Balance your criticism with an
initiative to become part of the solution.
        Having spent my adult life in Christian ministry, I've found that the
most debilitating aspect of negative criticism is that it saps energy from my
inner being.  It cuts very deeply.
        In the end the only judge who truly matters is God himself, say the
authors.  We must learn to live our lives before an audience of one.  They
point out that the Apostle Paul said that it was a small thing to be judged
by humans.  He said he would not even judge himself.  He simply did his
best to live a life full of love and forgiveness and let the Lord be his
judge.

Reprinted with permission from the Champaign-Urbana News-Gazette,
copyright, 2001